Here I am sitting on our sofa with what is probably 5 day old hair and clothes whose cleanliness is somewhat questionable. in a state of what I can only describe as anxiousness fuelled with dread and fear. It is the hardest thing to explain to someone what it feels like when these feelings take over every aspect of your life. Making you think the worst in people, situations and in yourself.
After starting my Social Prescribing Sessions I felt I was going better I was learning to deal with my anxieties. I was getting out and doing things, not shutting myself away from the world. I went to Edinburgh during The Fringe which is notoriously busy, I went to a gig in my local town hall, which wasn’t too busy but still a big deal. I had even planned to go to blogging event in Glasgow which I was so excited for. The event was about growing your blog. I got a ticket, done my research into where the venue was its proximity to the train station.
I know the area of Glasgow well, however I was still a little nervous about going so David and I formulated a plan, he was going to come to Glasgow with me in the afternoon I would go to the event and he would meet me afterwords so we could get the train back together. It was all set. I was getting excited.
Then about a week before the panel, the familiar feelings of dread washed over me like a tidal wave! David & I went into Stirling to do some shopping, I knew what I was going for so knew what shops I had to go to. Still I ended up having an anxiety attack. I had palpitations and felt like everyone was watching me. We made a quick exit and came home.
As the day of the event was getting nearer I started to panic even more that I wouldn’t feel welcome, that the other attendees would ignore me and judge me for being there.
I got myself so worried about it that the only option I had was to pull out. Thankfully the tickets were free and I wasn’t out of pocket. I was am disappointed in myself, for letting my insecurities and anxieties rule my life, for missing out on what could have been a great opportunity for me to improve my site and to meet new people.
When these feels take over everything feels like such an effort. All of my energy is taken up for caring for Alex, making sure he’s feed and dressed etc, therefore caring for myself and making sure I’m feed and dressed is the last thing I want to do. Even thinking about going out the house sends me into a state of fear. Fear because I am unable to predict how busy it is going to be at my destination, fear because I’m scared that I might get there and then demand I want to come home because the people around me are making me uncomfortable.
Deep down in the recesses of my mind I know that these are feeling of anxiety, fear and dread are irrational. I know that the world isn’t going to end if I go to the shops or hell forbidden to a restaurant. Anxiety is stifling, debilitating, it’s irrational and it has it’s hold over me.
I wish there was a little switch somewhere that I could flip to stop these irrational feelings of fear, dread and anxiousness. I wish that I didn’t care about crowds, peoples opinions, my abilities as a human being, my parenting skills. I wish I could just brush it all off and get on with my life, instead of letting fear, anxiety and dread take over.
Maybe the time has come that I need to go back to my Doctor and ask for something else to help with this. if I don’t get help soon, with winter coming and the new fear of being out in the cold and dark, I might not want to go out at all and with a toddler that’s not fair on him or on me.