I’ve mentioned a few times that David and I have decided to try for another baby. This is a huge change for us, me in particular as for a long time after alex was born I was sure that I only wanted him and no others. There are so many factors behind what stopped me from wanting another child from my chronic illness to our financial situation but I have made up my mind I want another baby, but am I really ready for another baby?
What Was Stopping Me?
From the time I started thinking about babies I had a dream in mind of having 2 babies a boy then a girl. A dream that I guess so many women have when thinking of starting their own family. That was until our wee dude was born.
I remember one day when Alex was only a few months old that I had this overwhelming wave of love for this little person. I couldn’t imagine sharing my time with anyone else. Selfish I know. But in those early days of becoming a parent you want to spend your whole life looking after the new life you brought into the world.
As time went on I warmed up to possibly having another baby, until my chronic illness started getting worse. Physically I was drained not just from caring for a child but from the constant pain I was experiencing from my fibromyalgia. It never seemed to ease off. I am in constant pain, there are have days where my pain is so severe and it’s those days where I question myself every aspect of my life and fear for what the future might be.
It’s not only my physical illnesses that put me off trying for another baby. Mentally I was just as drained as I was physically. My mental health took a nose dive from 30000 feet. I felt useless and worthless. I got it into my head that I was ruining David and Alex’s life. That they would be better with a different wife and mummy.
Changing My Mind
It’s strange the moment when all of a sudden I changed my mind and wanted to try for a second baby. I’d started following a lot of mums on Instagram and there were A LOT of cuteness overload with new arrivals. That however wasn’t the tipping point to my change of heart. One night I was up being sick, still not sure what caused it but when I got back to bed that is when I decided that I wanted another baby. It’s weird and I don’t full understand it, some may say that it is a rash decision but it’s been a few weeks since that night and I am 100% sure that another baby is what I want.
Is it going to be hard? Heck yes it’s going to be hard both mentally and physically, the pain and self doubt that was stopping me are still there niggling away in the background. Especially on days where alex has been really trying and my pain is bad, I second guess my decision, but I’m hoping that with the support of my husband and family we do this.
At first when talking to David about my change of heart, he was a little unsure which is completely understandable. He has seen me on my worst days struggle with Alex, that concerned him as to how I would cope with another little person to care for. I explained that with Alex being that little bit older hopefully he’ll be ok with another child in the house and that he might help out with some things.
Ultimately though neither of us can see in to the future, we won’t know if we’re going to have a baby that doesn’t sleep or a baby that cries constantly (alex was a great baby and he has probably ruined our expectations of other babies) the only thing we can do is be the best parents we can possibly be to Alex and whoever comes along. We’ve got a great support system with my parents who are more than willing to chip in if and when it’s needed.
What happens from here on in well bowchickawowow of course, obsessiveness over ovulations days, peeing on sticks and dreading the monthly visitor until the time comes we get that double line and I can start cooking our little bundle of joy.
If you have any tips or stories about your journey for baby no 2 with perfect health or chronic illnesses I’d love to hear them.